Stage 1
CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known to the universe. You KNOW
you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2
GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are
still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3
RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy,
because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4
BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER,
you're RICH and Hell - you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!
Stage 5
INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because
NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you
fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.
And then you sober up.....
Stage 1
STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly
remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache,
cloying nausea and Bud/Guinness/Tetley/Baileys/ you realise that you have lost
not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything.
You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third rasher sandwich.
Stage 2
UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even
less attractive than you thought previously possible.
Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smokey/sweaty atmosphere
given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup
on over night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved
with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know
better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.
Stage 3
POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble
out the door when you discover that the money you got from
the cashpoint to last you the week is now missing from your wallet.
Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry
on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated
an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point.
Alternatively your pocket will have been picked
or you will have given the taxi driver a £20 / £50 note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would
remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were
the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
Stage 4
MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the
characteristics you hate in other people and your self-respect plummets.
Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until
you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
Stage 5
CIRCUS FREAK
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better".
You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.
Rules for the boyfriends
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter; I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool.
2. Places where there is darkness.
3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.
6. Hockey games are okay.
7. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
A few pics to put on your T-Shirt
A Few for the Foozball Fans up the Club
If you have any jokes or pics, i dont mind putting them on here.